NFL Week 9 Predictions

Home team in caps:

Washington (+9.5) over Atlanta
Now here’s an odd one. When the falcon is handed to the Native American, the bird completely freezes. The key to Washington’s victory is… committing holding penalties? Whatever works I suppose.
CHICAGO (-2.5) over Arizona
The bear mauled the cardinal so badly the creature completely distintegrated before its corpse even touched the ground.
CINCINNATI (+2.5) over Baltimore
This is all about how much risk Baltimore puts into their gameplan. When the raven was 5 feet above the bengal tiger’s head, it was fine. Not so much when it swooped to within 1 foot.
Houston (+8.5) over INDIANAPOLIS
No “Texans” so I picked “Turban” instead. While the colt made a valiant effort to wear the turban with dignitiy, it was much to big for him, covering his eyes and leaving him blind.
Kansas City (+6.5) over JACKSONVILLE
One chief armed with a tomahawk successfully duels the jaguar 3 lashes with a wet noodle to one.
NEW ENGLAND (-10.5) over Miami
Nobody should ever watch a man ride a beached dolphin. It’s too disturbing. In related news, the Pats will totally nail Miami this weekend.
TAMPA BAY (+9.5) over Green Bay
It may have just been a trick of the eye, but the pirate seemed to float in a bay just a little bit better than the packer. It must be the warmer waters.
NEW ORLEANS (-13.5) over Carolina
With no “Saints” in Scribblenauts, I chose the suggested “Stilts” instead. Well, what do you know, when you drop them on panthers from high above, that wuss puss will probably die after the second drop.
Detroit (+9.5) over SEATTLE
The lion had an easier time batting down his avian prey than the bengal did.
N.Y. GIANTS (-3.5) over San Diego.
Will the warhorse charger have what it takes to defeat the giant? Nay. i feel so ashamed.
Tennessee (+3.5) over SAN FRANCISCO
The suggested “fencer” takes over for “forty niner”. he valiantly charges the titan, but doesn’t last long. First the titan knocks the sword from his hand, and then knocks the fencer back onto it. Sure, it’s only the handle and not the point, but the titan doesn’t look bright enough to get it right.
PHILADELPHIA (-2.5) over Dallas
This being a game in Philly, I tried throwing batteries at the mascots. The eagle got so pissed, I couldn’t do anything else except take the whuppin’. The cowboy got into it as well, but the eagle was far more vicious.
Pittsburgh (-2.5) over DENVER
There are no “Steelers” so I chose the suggested “sleepers”, pajamas, instead. Unlike the colt with his turban, the bronco had no idea how to put on the sleepwear. This sort of ignorance regarding your opponent is often fatal.

Last week: 4-9
Overall: 51-49


NFL Week 8 Predictions

Posting early this week due to vacation. Home team in caps:

Denver (+3.5) over BALTIMORE
There’s something to be said of the sight of a man on horseback wearing a rooster hat carrying a raven. Despite the raven’s best efforts to free himself, he remained tightly in Maxwell’s grasp. Though the bronco was far from bucking, at least he could move around.

BUFFALO (+3.5) over Houston
As you could guess, a steer and a buffalo are hardly mortal enemies. These guys were quite content grazing in each other’s presence. For some reason, however, the buffalo was always in front of the steer no matter how hard I tried to change this layer order. PhotoShoppers know this means the buffalo is always on top.

Cleveland (+13.5) over CHICAGO
CHICAGO (-13.5) over Cleveland
Oh boy. I confused my cities again. I originally gave this to Cleveland thinking they were the Bengals for some reason. That tiger mauled the bear with ease. When I corrected myself by placing a fresh conjured brownie in front of the newly resurrected bear, well, do not feed the bears.

DALLAS (-9.5) over Seattle
Unfortunately, the well-romanticized image of cowboys vs. birds of prey wasn’t realized in Scribblenauts, so I had to stir the pot by handing the cowboy a fish. Sure enough, the seahawk did everything in its power to steal the meal away. The cowboy never relinquished his prize, however.

DETROIT (-3.5) over St. Louis
Who’s not excited for this game? Seriously, when was the last time Detroit was favored to win anything? In the world of Scribblenauts, the lions won easily. The only thing left of the ram was the haunting memory of its anguished bleating.

GREEN BAY (=2.5) over Minnesota
Let’s face it, this is really a battle of Brett Favre vs. Aaron Rodgers. “Favre” summoned “fiacre” a small 4-wheeled carriage. Rodgers, however, invoked the mighty power of Ra, who quickly hopped into the Fiacre and anxiously awaited his slaves and concubines to cart him away to glory. You do not mess with the Sun God.

INDIANAPOLIS (-11.5) over San Francisco
No “Forty Niners” so I went with “fencer” instead. He rode around the colt, but nothing special happened, so I conjured up a lance and jousted the mounted warrior. Despite being well armed, the fencer died well before the colt.

N.Y. JETS (+3.5) over Miami
The last time these two teams met up in Scribblenauts, the dolphin humped the jet until it was reduced to a pair of tires. Quite easily the most remarkable result yet. Not so on the rematch. This time, the jet was dropped from a great height onto the screaming dolphin. Credit to the dolphin, however, who spent the last few moments of its life fighting back.

SAN DIEGO (-16.5) over Oakland
Egypt isn’t done with us yet. The sun god Ra made yet another appearance, this time as a suggestion for “Raiders”. You know when I said “do not mess with the Sun God?”. Well, when you’re an opaque, lightning-filled cloud of sun-blocking power, you can mess with him.

TENNESSEE (-2.5) over Jacksonville
The Titans could really use the Scribblenauts Titan on their squad because he’s the only one that’s winning. Though it took 2 swift kicks to the jaguar’s ass to put him down, they were still quite swift.

ARIZONA (-8.5) over Carolina
As hungry for poultry as the panther was, that Cardinal just wouldn’t die. Look for the Cards to lose, but still cover the spread.

N.Y. Giants (+2.5) over PHILADELPHIA
1 kick to the plumage. Why are the titans and giants all about kicking in this game?

Atlanta (+9.5) over NEW ORLEANS
“Saints” summoned “sights”. I couldn’t quite make out what they were, but I’m guessing a pair of binoculars. They were quite useless, even when thrown at the falcon. The sights passed right through the bird like Kitty Pride.

Last week: 7-6
Overall: 47-40


World Series: Yanks or Philthy?

Philidelphia Phillies vs New York Yankees
This was a tough one to interpret, even in the world of Scribblenauts. There are no Yankees, so I chose the suggested “Yeast” instead. Also, there are no “Phillies”, so I had to go with “Puss”, a black cat, as an alternative.

As you can guess, there was very little interaction. It must have been a balmy day, because the yeast just sat there. However, if the heat is on, I think the yeast could still rise to the occasion.

The puss, only slightly more active, was about as fearsome as you would expect from a cute wittle black putty tat. Of course, it did keep crossing the path of the yeast, an ill omen if I’ve seen one. However, Wade Boggs hasn’t been on the Yankee roster in years, so they don’t fear such superstition. Besides, can yeast really have a path for a black cat to cross? Yankees in 7. 


NFL Week 7 Predictions

Just when I was considering putting real money on these predictions, I go 5-9 for Week 6. Humbling moments like these save me money.

Home team in caps:

Chicago (+1.5) over CINCINNATI
The bengal was fierce and ready for battle, but the bear was simply too big and too strong for it. In fact, the bear yawned immediately after victory. He’s kind of a jerk.

Green Bay (-6.5) over CLEVELAND
It’s a no brainer that a factory worker like the Packer would go towards a brownie like a cat to my allergic wife, but the distance he was willing to travel was impressive.

HOUSTON (-2.5) over San Francisco
I changed things up for San Fran by entering “gold digger” and got a great big piece of construction equipment instead. I dropped the Houston steer on it with no result, then dropped the digger onto the steer from a great height. The steer did not take this so well and gored the contruction equipment five times its size in a heartbeat.

KANSAS CITY (+4.5) over San Diego
This matchup was so boring I attacked both mascots with a pike in a fit of rage. The warhorse charger poofed into nothingness while the chief at least left a feather behind. That means something, right?

Minnesota (+3.5) over PITTSBURGH
Instead of “steeler”, I entered “stealer” instead. It conjured a spiny anteater. The Viking wasn’t afraid of the creature, though he quickly gave it up in favor of an axe. Though armed, he chose not to attack the anteater. This tells me Minnesota is more interested in protecting their weapons (Peterson, Favre) than vanquishing foes. It should still be enough to put them on top.

I took both the ram and the colt for a ride. The ram was a little bigger and a little quicker.

TAMPA BAY (+14.5) over New England
Upset Special! Despite bringing a sword to a gunfight, the Buccaneer still prevailed over an armed-to-the-teeth Patriot!

Buffalo (+7.5) over CAROLINA
The panther was the provoker of this battle, but the bison held fast. taking two swipes from the big cat before killing it with two blows of his own.

N.Y. Jets (-6.5) over OAKLAND
“Raider” summoned an RC Glider. Why not compare the flights of each? The Jet was big and lumbering, but worked with enough coaxing. I think someone left the batteries out of the RC Glider… I couldn’t get it to move.

DALLAS (-3.5) over Atlanta
I’m not even going to bother how I got to this point, but did you know a Cowboy can take three rounds from a Gattling gun to the chest and live long enough to kick you in the ass a few times? Truly remarkable. Almost as remarkable as the thought that gattling guns in Scribblestan are loaded with only three bullets at a time.

New Orleans (-6.5) over MIAMI
The Saints became “strainer” as in the kitchen utensil. Well, the dolphin could not find any way around it. Small as it may be, that strainer did not make for some dolphin safe tuna.

N.Y. GIANTS (-6.5) over Arizona
Last week’s game at New Orleans exposed some weaknesses of the Giants and that translated over to Scribblenauts. Sure, the Giant swatted down the Cardinal with relative ease, but what does it say that it took him two tries?

Philadelphia (-6.5) over WASHINGTON (+6.5)
I typed in “Redskin” and got “Redside”, a type of fish, instead. The poor guy hardly had a chance to flop around as a fish out of water before being pecked to death by the eagle.

Last Week: 5-9
Overall: 40-34


NFL Week 6 Predictions

CINCINNATI (-4.5) over Houston
When you’re a tiger, everything looks like steak. When you’re actually steak (in this case, Houston’s steer logo), you should stay away from tigers. Well, this steer didn’t and you can probably figure out the rest.
Detroit (+13.5) over GREEN BAY
All it took was two nips at the packer’s butt. Not only will Detroit cover, they’ll win outright.
JACKSONVILLE (-9.5) over St. Louis
Pitting a big cat against a religous dignitary seemed a little unfair, so I armed the cardinal with one of those Vatican-style halberds. The jaguar didn’t stand a chance. Then I realized I’m mixing up my MLB and NFL predictions again and had to backtrack. Take 2: When you’re a jaguar, everything looks like steak. When you’re very close to steak (in this case, a ram) you should stay away from jaguars. Well, this almost-steak didn’t and you can probably figure out the rest.
MINNESTOA (-2.5) over Baltimore
Odin’s ravens! True to Norse mythology, the raven was subservient to the Viking. The Viking just carried it around for a while, dragging the poor bird’s head across the ground. Baltimore’s slump continues.
N.Y. Giants (+2.5) over NEW ORLEANS
As there are no “Saints” in Scribblenauts, the giant took on the suggested “shiba inu” (Wikipedia: “a small, agile dog that copes very well with mountainous terrain”) instead. Despite being a home game for the Saints, New Orleans isn’t exactly mountainous terrain. In fact, being below sea level, it’s the exact opposite. The giant treated the cute wittle puppy like steak.

Cleveland (+13.5) over PITTSBURGH
Well how about this: dropping a 1-ton (my estimate) chunk of steel on a brownie (the fairy creature) resulted in no injuries. In fact, the brownie even kicked the steel block around for awhile.

TAMPA BAY (+3.5) over Carolina
When you’re a panther, everything looks like steak. When you look like steak to an animal, you better come armed, and this buccaneer did. The tables were turned and this time it was the predator that became porterhouse.

Kansas City (+6.5) over WASHINGTON
I couldn’t tell the Chief and the Native American apart. Despite their records, that’s pretty much how they look in real life as well. Take the points, especially considering Washington’s last 4 opponents are a combined 2-22, those two victories coming against the Redskins.

Philadelphia (-13.5) over OAKLAND
Oakland is so desperate to forget last week that the Rider (no “raider” in Scribblenauts) couldn’t even wait for a bunch of grapes to ferment before consuming. The Eagle, on the other hand, kept its cool in the Scribblenauts version of Napa Valley. Oakland’s going to drown their sorrows pre-game and be too hungover to play.

Arizona (+2.5) over SEATTLE
This is my lock for most boring game of the week. Neither the cardinal nor seahawk took much interest in each other. Neither were hungry either. The cardinal passed up a juicy worm while the seahawk passed up a fresh mouse. If you’re not hungry for food, how can you be hungry for victory? Take the points.

Tennessee (+9.5) over NEW ENGLAND
That titan can take some abuse. The patriot fired two rounds of his rifle off into the titan’s chest, but he didn’t so much as stagger. Now there’s one less patriot in Scribblestan.

Buffalo (+9.5) over N.Y. JETS
The jet pushes the buffalo very slowly. On the other hand, the buffalo pushes the jet very quickly. I think the Bills are going to base their offense on lightning-fast strikes while the Jets are more content to grind it out. The same strategies were held by the Colts and Dolphins a few weeks ago. Lightning strikes won over that one. Expect the same again.

Chicago (+2.5) over ATLANTA
I bet that hawk looked like a flying steak to the bear. If Scribblenauts determined point spreads, Atlanta would get 50 points.

Denver (+3.5) over SAN DIEGO
The bronco squared off against the warhorse charger. By squared off, I mean they walked around each other and grazed. Being a San Diego home game, I struck both equines with lightning repeatedly. They were frazzled, but unharmed. In a fit of rage, I armed Maxwell with a knife to get all stabby with them. Both ponies went down in three pokes, so why am I giving the edge to Denver? Because the bronco was nude while the charger was armored. Had the bronco been armed, who knows how many more knife strikes it would take? Toughness wins.

Last week: 8-6
Overall: 35-25


MLB League Championship Series Predictions

Anaheim Angels vs. New York Yankees
As there are no “Yankees” in Scribblenauts, I went old school with the yank’s previous moniker “Highlander”. The little kilt-less Scot and the angel surprisingly held no grudge against each other. I tried to flare tempers by throwing baseballs at their heads, but both mascots hardly seemed to notice. In a fit of rage, I outfitted Maxwell with a baseball bat to bludgeon them to death. The highlander took 4 hits and even returned a punch before succumbing to death. The angel withstood only 3. Yankees in 7.

Los Angeles Dodgers vs. Philadelphia Phillies
There are no “Dodgers” in Scribblenauts, so I chose “doodler”, a female artist in a little red beret, instead. The game also doesn’t recognize the spelling of “philly” with a “ph”, so I chose “Po” instead. It turned out not to be “Po”, but “PO” as in post office. The post office quickly devoured the doodler and she was never heard from again. My wife informed me that if I only tapped on the post office, the doodler would reemerge, but unless you’re Jeffrey Maier, there’s no fan interference in baseball. Phillies in 4.


NFL Week 5 Predictions

Home team in caps.

Cincinnati (+8.5) over BALTIMORE
No surprises here. One tiger muzzle to the butt and the crow’s never more. Yeah, so I settled on a “never more” joke. What of it?
Cleveland (+5.5) over BUFFALO
Buffalo can be taken for a ride. Brownies refuse. That’s all we need to know.
Washington (+3.5) over CAROLINA
The panther was hungry for some manflesh, but the “Native American” (since “Redskin” is potentially offensive in Scribblestan) armed with a spear held his own. The combatants fought valiantly until they both dropped dead of their wounds. I’m smelling a tie. Take the points.
Pittsburgh (-10.5) over DETROIT
As there are no Steelers in Scribblenauts, I opted for the suggestion “sternwheeler” (a large steamship) instead. Not much going on here, so I dropped the mascots on each other. The lion landed gracefully atop the sternwheeler as if he weighed no more than a kitten. The sternwheeler was a little more blunt and crushed the lion beneath its weight, but only after the second attempt!
KANSAS CITY (+8.5) over Dallas
The classic battle of cowboys versus indians did not disappoint here–both mascots were hungry for battle from the get-go. It was a brutal bout of fisticuffs, but the cowboy was barely victorious in the end. This suggests a last-second Dallas field goal that will be enough for the win, but not to cover.
N.Y. GIANTS (-15.5) over Oakland
Since there are no “Raiders” in Scribblenauts, I chose the recommended “RC Glider” instead. It has no power, so it just got pushed around by the giant as he moved on to bigger and better things, namely, pummeling Maxwell.
PHILADELPHIA (-13.5) over Tampa Bay
In an odd reversal, when the pirate is given the eagle, it’s the eagle who punts the pirate. Actually, considering Tampa Bay’s 0-4 start, this shouldn’t be surprising at all.

ST. LOUIS (+10.5) over Minnesota
You would think when a viking sees a ram, he would savagely convert the creature into a meal and a new hat. Alas, this Norse warrior instituted a live and let live policy. Take the points on the Rams.

Atlanta (+2.5) over SAN FRANCISCO
The miners, for some reason, are basically vikings. I’m now really curious what the gold rush prospectors wore back in the day. Neither side seemed to care about the other with this matchup. They just wanted to go through the motions. When in doubt, take the points.

Houston (+5.5) over ARIZONA
As there are no “Texans” in Scribblenauts, I chose the suggested “Texas” (yet another steamship–go figure) instead. The cardinal (of the Catholic sense) hopped right into the steamship just fine. I would’ve given the edge to Arizona for this fact alone, except the cardinal looked like he was getting squeezed to death in there like a gang-tackled QB. It’s a tough call, but I’ll have to go with Houston on this one.

New England (-3.5) over DENVER
The patriot and the bronco were pretty indifferent to each other, so it’s time to throw footballs at their heads! The bronco seemed indifferent at first, but by the third pelting, he got really sad. The patriot, on the other hand, took three peltings just fine. It was the fourth one that sent him off in a trigger happy rage. As long as this doesn’t translate into a bunch of personal fouls, the Pats should be fine.

Jacksonville over SEATTLE (PK)
At this point, it’s almost unfair to be named after a big cat. Scribblenauts doesn’t care if you’re a bird of prey, the game has made it clear who’s higher on the food chain.

TENNESSEE (+3.5) over Indianapolis
The 0-4 Titan must be pissed because he ran straight towards the colt and obliterated him with a single punch to the back of the head.

MIAMI (+1.5) over N.Y. Jets
Parents, cover your children’s eyes, because this one deserves a hard-R. When placed on top of the jet, the dolphin started vigorously humping the aircraft. After the fifth or sixth long, hard thrust, the jet exploded in a cloud of dust, leaving only two tires behind. This is a development beyond my wildest imagination. No wonder we keep planes in the sky and dolphins underwater.

Last week: 10-4
Overall: 27-19