CINCINNATI (-4.5) over Houston
When you’re a tiger, everything looks like steak. When you’re actually steak (in this case, Houston’s steer logo), you should stay away from tigers. Well, this steer didn’t and you can probably figure out the rest.
Detroit (+13.5) over GREEN BAY
All it took was two nips at the packer’s butt. Not only will Detroit cover, they’ll win outright.
JACKSONVILLE (-9.5) over St. Louis
Pitting a big cat against a religous dignitary seemed a little unfair, so I armed the cardinal with one of those Vatican-style halberds. The jaguar didn’t stand a chance. Then I realized I’m mixing up my MLB and NFL predictions again and had to backtrack. Take 2: When you’re a jaguar, everything looks like steak. When you’re very close to steak (in this case, a ram) you should stay away from jaguars. Well, this almost-steak didn’t and you can probably figure out the rest.
MINNESTOA (-2.5) over Baltimore
Odin’s ravens! True to Norse mythology, the raven was subservient to the Viking. The Viking just carried it around for a while, dragging the poor bird’s head across the ground. Baltimore’s slump continues.
N.Y. Giants (+2.5) over NEW ORLEANS
As there are no “Saints” in Scribblenauts, the giant took on the suggested “shiba inu” (Wikipedia: “a small, agile dog that copes very well with mountainous terrain”) instead. Despite being a home game for the Saints, New Orleans isn’t exactly mountainous terrain. In fact, being below sea level, it’s the exact opposite. The giant treated the cute wittle puppy like steak.
Cleveland (+13.5) over PITTSBURGH
Well how about this: dropping a 1-ton (my estimate) chunk of steel on a brownie (the fairy creature) resulted in no injuries. In fact, the brownie even kicked the steel block around for awhile.
TAMPA BAY (+3.5) over Carolina
When you’re a panther, everything looks like steak. When you look like steak to an animal, you better come armed, and this buccaneer did. The tables were turned and this time it was the predator that became porterhouse.
Kansas City (+6.5) over WASHINGTON
I couldn’t tell the Chief and the Native American apart. Despite their records, that’s pretty much how they look in real life as well. Take the points, especially considering Washington’s last 4 opponents are a combined 2-22, those two victories coming against the Redskins.
Philadelphia (-13.5) over OAKLAND
Oakland is so desperate to forget last week that the Rider (no “raider” in Scribblenauts) couldn’t even wait for a bunch of grapes to ferment before consuming. The Eagle, on the other hand, kept its cool in the Scribblenauts version of Napa Valley. Oakland’s going to drown their sorrows pre-game and be too hungover to play.
Arizona (+2.5) over SEATTLE
This is my lock for most boring game of the week. Neither the cardinal nor seahawk took much interest in each other. Neither were hungry either. The cardinal passed up a juicy worm while the seahawk passed up a fresh mouse. If you’re not hungry for food, how can you be hungry for victory? Take the points.
Tennessee (+9.5) over NEW ENGLAND
That titan can take some abuse. The patriot fired two rounds of his rifle off into the titan’s chest, but he didn’t so much as stagger. Now there’s one less patriot in Scribblestan.
Buffalo (+9.5) over N.Y. JETS
The jet pushes the buffalo very slowly. On the other hand, the buffalo pushes the jet very quickly. I think the Bills are going to base their offense on lightning-fast strikes while the Jets are more content to grind it out. The same strategies were held by the Colts and Dolphins a few weeks ago. Lightning strikes won over that one. Expect the same again.
Chicago (+2.5) over ATLANTA
I bet that hawk looked like a flying steak to the bear. If Scribblenauts determined point spreads, Atlanta would get 50 points.
Denver (+3.5) over SAN DIEGO
The bronco squared off against the warhorse charger. By squared off, I mean they walked around each other and grazed. Being a San Diego home game, I struck both equines with lightning repeatedly. They were frazzled, but unharmed. In a fit of rage, I armed Maxwell with a knife to get all stabby with them. Both ponies went down in three pokes, so why am I giving the edge to Denver? Because the bronco was nude while the charger was armored. Had the bronco been armed, who knows how many more knife strikes it would take? Toughness wins.
Last week: 8-6
Overall: 35-25
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